Beef Ban Cartoon min
Image Courtesy Live Law – http://www.livelaw.in/cms/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Beef-Ban-Cartoon-min.jpg

It has taken my slow brain a long time to figure it out but finally, as 2021 comes to an end, I have found a sure shot way of bringing about a social and political revolution in India.

A transformation that will sweep away Indian society’s deep caste and class inequalities, deepen democracy and end the venal politics of hatred that is being used to hide the real issues facing the country.

In terms of both beauty and simplicity this formula I have is almost mathematical and even quite poetic. (I am determined to praise my brilliant idea because I know nobody else will!).

Ok. Enough of the suspense and let me cut to the chase. The prescription is as follows:  I propose that “half the two-legged animals of India eat half the four-legged animals in the country”.

Yes. That indeed is my humble recipe for India’s Great Reset. That all Indians chase, cut, cook and eat any four-legged animal they can lay their hands on. That’s it, nothing more.

Am I claiming that what my proposal is going to be more radical and impactful than what India’s greatest philosophers and social reformers – from the Buddha to Gandhi – had to recommend? Yes, of course.

This is simply because, despite being noble and very courageous, these gentlemen were too much jaw, jaw and too little chew, chew. In other words, they gave everyone too much food for thought and too little for the stomach.

And it is not just them. There are so many armchair revolutionaries in this country who think that ‘an idea whose time has come cannot be stopped’ and ‘knowledge is power’, blah, blah, blah.

These may be true in a very general, abstract way but ideas work only when the person carrying them has strong legs to stand on.  In fact, the weightier the argument the more is the nutrition required to lift and hold it all the way up there in your head.

Sadly, in this country too often, I have seen people let perfectly good ideas fall to the ground and shatter to pieces, simply for want of physical strength to keep them aloft. The message being – it is not enough to have uplifting thoughts, you need the ability to lift up real, tangible things too.

Reformers of the past also wrongly believed the best method of bringing about social transformation was persuasion. In total contrast, I believe that it is not ‘persuasion’ but ‘pursuit’ that is the key concept Indian society requires. It is simple, just ‘pursue’ the aforementioned four-legged animals and eat them.

I am convinced that if my proposal is taken up for action by a critical mass of Indians (roughly half of them to be precise) it will make many of India’s problems vanish.

First of all, it will solve the problem of hunger and malnutrition in this country once and for all – particularly the lack of protein intake. You know, I have a lot of my activist friends, very concerned about the future of this country, claiming to be ‘pro-this’, ‘pro-that’ etc. but not one of them is willing to say ‘protein’.

And by protein here I don’t mean that ubiquitous, yellow thing. Forget it, you can’t beat the lotus eaters running this nation by munching on lentils.

I can hear some of you protesting that plants offer as much protein as animals do and I have all my facts wrong. Excuse me! You have not heard what I am about to say next.

It is not about the quantity of protein from plants or animals at all. The real deal is that the effort involved in obtaining food should be equal to or greater than the energy that you get from eating it.

And hunting a four-legged creature is surely a far superior way of burning calories, building muscle, developing stamina and achieving fitness than plucking beans from your backyard. Imagine, the poor lentil can’t even run away when you go for them – they are just sitting ducks – there is zero effort involved!! (Before I forget, I recommend ducks and other fowl also in your diet, though technically I realize they are not four-legged)

Let me confess now where my real enthusiasm for radically changing the diet of my fellow citizens comes from. There are in fact not one but several reasons. The first of these is my worry about climate change. You know what I am talking about right? The phenomenon due to which people feel hotter whenever they are in a place without air conditioning?

Well, I read somewhere that this deadly threat to human survival is exacerbated by methane emissions from quadrupeds, though many lentil-eating bipeds are also known to contribute to this. So, my solution is quite straightforward – eat those damn creatures before they fart you out of existence! (Someone should inform Greta about this idea)

Next is the fact that many of these quadrupeds, for quite some time now, have been eating up acres of standing crops, in what is known as the ‘cow belt’ part of India. And even worse, I believe these animals prefer grazing on the lentil crops in particular.

Come on, what will all those poor farmers eat now – your Holiness cannot be eaten and your Holiness will eat up the food of your devotees! Their motto seems to be ‘Main khaunga magar khaney nahin doonga’!

Have  these animals no shame to go so openly against what our Hon’ble Prime Minister has said repeatedly? Where is the bloody UP police?

My modest suggestion therefore is, these ungrateful animals need to be eaten. And if eating all of them is not feasible, at least those that have gorged on our valuable lentils should be identified, captured and consumed. This strategy has the added advantage of ending the bickering over whether a plant of meat protein is better –  you can now have both from a single source.

My most important reason though, for advocating animal protein, is that despite having such a vast population we don’t have a single world-class criminal in our country – the type who get noticed by Hollywood or Netflix producers.

I became acutely aware of this problem during my travels abroad when the first thing people asked was, ‘So, does India have any famous bank robbers?’. I knew where the question was coming from. You see, every idiot around the globe has been watching Money Heist for quite some time now.

I proudly said, of course we have! And blurted out the names of a couple of Modis, a few Shahs and some Choukseys. They laughed and told me that they were talking about real, traditional-style bank robbers, the type who could physically barge into a bank, steal and getaway by breaking through the barricades. Robbers  with a full body, including hands, legs, torso and not just a scheming brain and smooth tongue.

That’s when it struck me that all bank robberies in India have now become the privilege of suave thieves, all from the same twice-born, lentil-eating, vegetarian sections of the population. (Twice-born here also means – born once in India and reborn in Antigua or London).

Now, look at this nonsense – these rascals control the law and dominate the crime also!

This is so highly unjust and undemocratic. And I suspect this goes against the Indian Constitution too, though I will have to check with someone who has actually read the damn thing.

Anyway, more than anything else the situation of bank robberies in India certainly goes against the free market philosophy preached by those squatting on, er… I mean running the country. Where is the ‘level playing field’? What happened to ‘Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas, I saaay?

Since that experience overseas opened my eyes, I now sincerely believe that every Indian – irrespective of caste, creed, religion, gender, sexual orientation, with or without Aadhaar card – should be given equal chance to rob our country’s banks. This is our birthright and we shall have it!

And what is required to achieve this dream of equality? You guessed right. We need the animal spirits that can come only from eating animal protein. No bloody mutter paneer, dal tadka, business anymore! India says enough is enough !

Citizenship after all has no meaning in any country if you are so deprived of good nutrition that you can’t even commit a decent crime.  I mean, there is no point in being a stakeholder if you cannot also be a steak-holder!

On that revolutionary note let me wish all of you a Very Nutritious Moo Year for 2022! Happy hunting!

Safety Warning:  Do go ahead with what I have suggested but avoid becoming breakfast for your prey yourself.  Hint: drop the Royal Bengal Tiger from your menu.

Also, remember that not everything that walks on all fours, like many of our television anchors, are necessarily edible. Though they look temptingly plump and juicy they can also be highly poisonous.

Satya Sagar is a journalist and public health worker who can be reached at sagarnama@gmail.com


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