
Two women whom I have seen so far to have aged gracefully are my Amma (mother) and Zeenat Aman. These ladies do not have much in common; they belonged on two different ends of spectrums. Amma was a domestic goddess who took care of her family and home by creating a feeling of warmth and welcome. Zeenat Aman is a sensual woman, a Bollywood sensation, known to have made “scandalous” headlines back in the day for her seductive dance moves in many films. In comparison to the Sunny Leones of today — fully clothed Zeenat Aman had enticed men with her roles in films where she was portrayed as a sex goddess. Her dance numbers were showing how time changes context and culture. It did not matter when the Indian audience reacted with shock or disbelief. The two ladies in my introduction for today’s article have one thing in common. Both have aged gracefully – they practiced self-care in defying age.
I think the secret to my Amma aging gracefully was her youthful vigor which had helped her to stay mentally and physically active. She knew how to embrace her age. Always dressed in a crisp white handloom saree with a thin border, Amma started her day at dawn, running a household. She had tried her best to keep herself healthy by following a strict diet. She had stayed busy all day, and that required plenty of movement. She wanted to live long to see her children well settled in life and her grandchildren growing up. That she did by God’s grace. She lived well into her 90s. To Amma, everyday presented joy in herself. She had showered plenty of love on all her children, and we looked up to her to draw strength from. To stay happy was one thing that played an important role in her longevity. Another thing she had always done is she never forgot to count her blessings. As she aged, she focused more on religion and spirituality. I believe by implementing all this in her daily life she succeeded in aging gracefully.
As for Zeenat Aman, she is well and living a busy but peaceful life. Her days of acting in films like Hare Krishna Hare Ram where she was seen smoking Marijuana filled Chillum, and dancing away in a short red dress to the beat of Dum Maro Dum (an RD Burman composition) are things in the past. Now, at 73, she looks no more than sixty; as a matter of fact, she looks cool and hip. She has had to maintain a lifestyle to survive in the highly competitive film industry. She now models for a few jewelry companies. There is an endearing term to define her now; she is lovingly called “Aunty” modeling for a clothesline called in Living Colour. The loose, flowy, and gorgeous clothes are handmade. It is run by an NGO based in Delhi. Aman’s multi on white long sleeve aunty tee shirts sell for $80 apiece. Model Zeenat Aman wearing one from the aunty line looks stunning. She pairs this tee with a pair of animal print black/white trousers. All the models are aunty types (with salt & pepper hair shades and all skin tones.) These models are defying all the awful beauty standards. This particular Aunty Zeenat tee shirt was designed to honor the aspects of auntyhood according to their website.
It is a fact of life that with each passing day we get older. How do I feel about aging? I do not particularly like thinking or talking about the aging process. It is a depressing topic. As it is so far this has been a very cold winter on the East Coast. For weeks, we have experienced arctic winds that made some of us go through winter blues. Traveling to a warmer part of the country for a short winter break was not possible now for many reasons. We ended up going to a much colder place for a few days just to get away from it all. The messy weather mostly kept us indoors. It was a time for reflection and assessing the upcoming months. Our conversations took many directions – some serious, some comical. In the middle of it the discussion about aging snuck in somehow. I was in no way prepared to have a discussion on the aging process – let alone my very own. It became very close for comfort.
About a month ago, during FaceTime out of nowhere my daughter told me that the frown line between my eyebrows is a little visible now-a-days.
For a moment I didn’t know how to respond. I was a little baffled and perhaps felt a little uneasy by such an honest comment. I think being an only child, at some level fear has set in that her mother is aging. She lectured me on the benefits of anti-aging products that vouch for retaining the youthful look, and seriously told me that they may add to my longevity.
Then I thought to myself that explains my past year’s Mother’s Day gift box which she had sent. The neatly packed package contained legions of Forever Beaumore wrinkle resist products (a company based in Japan). The company promotes healthy and youthful skin as they use all natural ingredients which help to retain skin’s natural balance. Supposedly, by using such skincare products one can achieve good results to have wrinkle free skin. I got day and night cream, lotions, and super corrective serums all promising to prevent dreadful skin imperfection and wrinkle resistance. The daytime facial cream had broad spectrum SPF 18 sunscreen in it. While the night emulsion serum boasted wrinkle free smooth skin. They also claim their products give women a radiant complexion, and delay the aging process.
Until then I never cared much to look up my family tree to know where and when I will have wrinkles. I never saw the need to spend a great deal of time looking for fine lines (crow’s feet) around my eyes. I thought I had been very lucky to have avoided intrinsic aging until my daughter’s comments. She also reminded me that women with lines around their eyes give them a pissed off appearance – that is a look no woman wants.
Quickly I flashed a big smile and told her, “I’ve not noticed any lines, not even fine ones. But someday I might as I simply cannot stop the natural aging process.” Then we had a hilarious discussion as to how in the future all the facial wrinkles can go away just by waving a magic wand. She told me, “Well, of course, for starters you will need to get Botox injections to make the line go away for three months at a time, and if that doesn’t work then perhaps cosmetic surgery, to get rid of the fledged line between your eyebrows.”
When I simply laughed at her suggestions, she felt a little embarrassed for putting me on the spot. She then recommended that a short and hip haircut at Aveda (a high end salon in DC), and a pair of cool designer eyeglasses (which I do wear) will do the trick for now. She is convinced with the new look that if I keep on using all the anti-aging products that vouch for retaining the youthful look, they may add to my longevity.
For now, there is not a single grey hair on my head that’s visible. As soon as someone turns 50, the AARP magazine (the syndicated official magazine for people over age fifty) starts arriving in peoples’ mailboxes. I tell myself that it must be for my spouse. I collect it from the box, and once inside the house, I put it among the stack of his week’s unopened mail. Call it denial, but I am not ready to ride the senior wagon yet. In the US, after turning 66, one is eligible for full retirement benefits. From then on they can draw on their Social Security benefits and can apply for Medicare to cover for their medical expenses.
The AARP magazine is filled with all the health tips, such as how to make hearty chicken and noodle casserole in minutes, so that the seniors have a lot of time to participate in other recreational activities. They advertise additional health care coverage that is not normally covered by health insurance companies like Medicare or Medicaid. The magazine features all the senior “doers, dreamers and pioneers,” making a difference in their lives or the lives of others. They interview famous people, from legendary Quincy Jones (91), actress Glenn Close (77), to Jon Bon Jovi (62) who is dedicating time and effort in helping impoverished children around the world and breaking the stigma of mental illness.
These are all noble causes, right? But I turned away from this magazine. It makes me a little dejected, especially when I see all the ‘before-and-after’ plastic surgery photos. I feel similarly when I hear the transition to Digital TV in 2009 is still hard for some elderly folks to maneuver. I feel somewhat dejected when I see about.com advertisements for affordable best places to move for retirees to live their golden years such as Weatherford, Texas. It highlights that Weatherford is ideal because it has no state income tax. Basically, it is a wonderful place to pursue outdoor interests like fishing and boating in the lovely lakes. No matter what, I am not ready to think how my retired dollars can go a long way! A couple of weeks ago, after flipping through a few pages and seeing the ads for inexpensive ideas in long term care insurance for terminally ill patients – I felt that I had enough of that magazine.
I threw it away, put on my walking shoes, bundled up and took a brisk walk towards my neighbourhood coffee shop. During my lone walk back home, I started to think about my daughter’s recent comments. Maybe plastic surgery can help me look younger down the line. More and more women in their fifties and above are taking advantage of it every day. For some it is a necessity to feel better about them. The natural process of aging is not a pretty prospect for most women. Even though in America the word “senior” is a very natural expression, I do not like this word. I do not want this label in order to enjoy certain discounts reserved for the people who are aging.
I stop cold every time I see an ad for funeral cost insurance. The idea behind this is simple. An average burial costs thousands of dollars. The idea is to take care of your own burial and funeral costs when you are alive, so that you are not going to leave this burden on the loved ones. This may seem a little morbid but it is practical.
One cannot ignore this rude awakening to one’s aging process. With aging comes one’s inability to make sound decisions. The elderly are often victimized by the predators of this society. We read horror stories about how they are getting ripped off of their life savings by scammers from third world countries. There are also many ploys to dupe them into giving up their rights and dignity. The very vulnerable elderly, in some cases, are even getting murdered by greed-consumed family members or caregivers.
In today’s society, seniors are often ignored and made to believe that they are useless. Their age and experience count for nothing. Seniors start to view themselves as others do, i.e., as old and weak. Their mind often stays sharp but then slowly starts to degenerate, because they are made to believe they are unimportant. In many western countries elderly parents are shoved into nursing homes to live their golden years alone. The lucky ones with money get to go to the assisted living communities playing golf, watching movies, going out to lunch and taking daytime excursions with others their age.
The poor and the sick elderly spend their days in state sponsored nursing homes where there are no perks, where they are often subjected to neglect and abuse. Such disregard for seniors is really shameful! They are already forgotten here on earth. It is horrible but nonetheless a naked truth.
Recently, I was watching an old episode of Boston Legal (once an Emmy winning show on TV for many years about a law firm in Boston), where an ex-employee (now a senior) tried to bring a lawsuit for every imaginable discrimination against seniors. None of the young lawyers would even listen to her, let alone take her case. Finally, the head of the firm who himself was over fifty (a baby boomer) was convinced by her to try one case. They both agreed that there are no shows on TV appropriate for seniors to watch, who on the average watch six hours of television every day.
The lawyer’s points were compelling and he passionately argued that the media should cater to the needs of all viewers. Because of society’s blatant disregard for the seniors, they are forced to spend millions every year buying CDs of World War II documentaries, and any movies that they have enjoyed in the past. Finally, a neurotic, eighty year old judge, who initially said that it was the most absurd case that he was unfortunate enough to sit through, reluctantly gave in and ruled in favor of the plaintiff (a senior). This is just a dramatization. In real life things of such a nature hardly happen.
I am not going to be naive here and say that the care of senior parents should fall only on the children. I know in today’s society it is not possible to allocate one’s majority of income in caring for an elderly parent. That is where the government assisted living facilities come in (here in the West). Not everyone is as lucky as my Amma was. The last ten years of her life she had lived with one of my older brothers at his house in Gulshan, Dhaka, with round the clock nurses. Her every need was attended to by my brother and his family. The night I saw the episode of Boston Legal I stayed up awake in bed trying to remember my mother’s face, albeit with some difficulty.
I got up from the bed and went to my computer to look at her photo that I had received before her passing. My Amma’s face looked the same as I remembered. Since she is my mother, her face remains unchanged to me. The visible lines on her forehead in the old photo seemed to have a lot more numerable than before. I counted all nine of them — each for one decade. I can say with utmost certainty that she is one person that I know who has aged gracefully.
Then and there I decided that I want to age the same way, and will leave my marks on my forehead — for my daughter to decide whether I have lived up to the art of graceful aging.
For now, I am going to take each day in stride, and move forward without thinking much about what is coming next. In a family, a lot of things accumulate over the years of living. I am all for decluttering and organizing. As for downsizing everything – it has to wait. I have to do everything on my bucket list first, and that is a long list.
As long as l am up and about doing my normal activities, and stay intellectually engaged, there is no chance of me suffering from Invisible Woman Syndrome. Aging isn’t really scary when one is actually in it facing it, Jane Fonda (86) tells us. To age gracefully, the onus rests on shifting systematic attitudes toward the culture of aging. If society can get rid of biases regarding aging, and how women should or are supposed to look as they age, aging would be far less of a worry for the majority of women. For me it is far down the line.
Zeenat Khan writes from Maryland, USA