The heart itself has its own reason the reason itself cannot understand – Blaise Pascal
There’s a light
A certain kind of light
That never shone on me
I want my life to be lived with you
Lived with you
There’s a way everybody say
To do each and every little thing
But what does it bring
If I ain’t got you, ain’t got?
You don’t know what it’s like, baby
You don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
In my brain
I see your face again
I know my frame of mind
You ain’t got to be so blind
And I’m blind, so, so, so blind
I’m a man
Can’t you see what I am?
I live and I breathe for you
But what good does it do
If I ain’t got you, ain’t got?
You don’t know what it’s like, baby
You don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
You don’t know what it’s like, baby
You don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
You don’t know what it’s like, baby
You don’t know what it’s like
To love somebody.
The English pop group Bee Gees featuring four brothers, Barry, Maurice, Robin, and Andy were born on the Isle of Man and grew up in Manchester, England. In 1958, the Gibb family moved to Queensland, Australia. Together the brothers formed the Bee Gees. To further their musical career they returned to the UK in 1967. The youngest Andy was not a permanent fourth member of the band but hoped to join someday. In 1979, the four brothers performed together at the Music for UNICEF Concert. In 1988, Andy died right after his 30th birthday from complications of drug use. His drug use was a major source of unhappiness and contention among him and his brothers. By then the Bee Gees had made their base in Miami, Florida, US where they had their recording studio. Losing Andy in 1988 had a profound impact on the Bee Gees. People wept for days after learning about Andy’s passing. He looked the same as big brother Barry and had similar mannerisms. Afterwards, the three brothers had recorded many albums including the record breaking hit song “To love somebody,” that I must have played on the record player hundreds of times. I had memorized the unforgettable song with ‘heart-punching’ lyrics without knowing much about love let alone ‘unrequited love,’ (one-sided). In a 1974 full concert the Bee Gees performed this song in Melbourne, Australia.
My fascination with the band had started way back in high school in Dhaka, Bangladesh. When I was a student in class X, my eldest brother presented me with a Record of the Bee Gees which he got during an official tour to Washington DC. One of the songs in that album was the song “To love somebody.” At the time I was too young to understand the meaning of “love” except that in a couple of years girls my age usually get to experience it as that is the time girls have crushes on a boy. I was totally unaware of the deep pain associated with the rejection of romantic love.
Hearing the song in Barry Gibb’s voice back then and even now evokes strong emotions. I am still deeply affected by this song and sometimes it is simply not possible fighting back tears. There is nothing more ‘crushing’ than wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. Not everyone knows the pain associated with unreciprocated love though it is a common phenomenon. However, I assume everyone experiences unrequited love in their own way. How many people can be expected to remain friends with that person after she/he rejects you saying, “Oh, I never thought of you that way, but we can continue as just friends.” My reply would be, “No, thank you.” This is just one hypothetical scenario of an unrequited love.
Why does this iconic two-line “But what good does it do / If I ain’t got you”
in Barry’s magical voice make us weep? Nonetheless I am certain that even the happiest soul can feel empathy at the sound of this song. After listening to this song one comes away with the feeling that life isn’t worth living if that person is not in your life. This song is sung from the depth of Bee Gees lead singer Barry’s soul. Was Barry Gibb singing it so well because he had gone through something similar? Or the lyrics were so powerful that the pain and suffering manifested when he picked up the guitar? Maurice Gibbs did a wonderful job in arranging the song, Barry, and Robin just gave their voice in bringing alive the most profoundly sad song of unfulfilled desire when the two lovers did not end up together.
Surely, people in a reciprocal relationship do not understand the pain of a lonely heart from rejection, and how excruciating the pain can become because of that. The deep pain of that dismissal can get very deep. People remain hung up on that for years – goes through highs and lows, become depressed, and have to depend on mood enhancers or stabilizers that are so endearingly called “happy pills,” prescribed by your family doctor, and in severe cases by a psychiatrist.
Those who choose to tough it out, the feeling of rejection can make them feel ‘unlovable’ and they give up on finding a fulfilling relationship with someone else. But thankfully, the pain of unrequited love does not have to linger forever as there are ways around it. Your life does not or should not end just because one person did not return your feelings. One can actually move on and find reciprocated love that you deserve. There are tips and books available to overcome this situation. Going to therapy is another option.
According to psychologists — to overcome the pain associated with one-sided love, the person in pain must 1) acknowledge his/her anguish and negative feelings, 2) A person needs to practice self-compassion, 3) The person must create a reasonable distance from that person who has rejected you, 4) should deactivate their social media accounts temporarily to avoid any news of that person through common friends. Basically, one needs to allow him/her time to heal from the pain and move on. Pining for someone who is not available is a colossal waste of time. One must possess enough self-respect and self-worth to say out loud that the other person was not really worthy of your love. For most people to be done with grieving a relationship that never was should not be that difficult a process.
Many singers have explored and sang songs on unrequited love. It is quite a common theme in music. Some of the names that I have heard of are: the Killers, Radiohead, and Adele. Others are Taylor Swift, Sam Smith, Billie Eilish, and Miley Cyrus, among others.
Why do people fall in love one-sidedly? There is no clear answer to this question. People can fall in love for all kinds of reasons. It can be because of an “idealized perception of the other person, personal issues like low self-esteem, or attachment insecurities, and the desire for something unattainable, or simply because the other person doesn’t reciprocate those feelings,” (however strange the rationalization seems.) “All’s fair in love and war.”
As long as human hearts can feel – there will be love whether it is reciprocal romantic love or one-sided. People don’t fall in love by doing calculations. There will always be risks associated with love and rejection is a part of it. Not each story ends up happily ever after. Some famous examples of people who have publicly spoken about unrequited love are: “Dante Alighieri and his muse Beatrice Portinari, Ayn Rand and Lev Bekkerman, and Goethe and the woman he was inspired to write ‘The Sorrows of Young Werther’ about.”
“It is important to recognize that it is common for people to experience unrequited feelings at some point. Recognizing the signs of unrequited love may help you learn to deal with it more effectively and find ways to move on.”
Everything in life carries some degree of risks. Fearing rejection and heartbreak should not overpower one’s desire to find love with a compatible partner. If you genuinely want it then you should go out there and be in pursuit until the right person comes along – you mustn’t give up on love. The possibility of rejection should not be an impediment to you finding love. Understand where the fear is coming from and heal yourself from any past trauma and open your hearts to love again. Give it a chance and do not create negative stories in your head consciously or unconsciously. Love should be free of any type of judgement. You love because your heart feels for that person. One upside of unfulfilled love increases creativity as it comes from a place of suffering. Without suffering one cannot write love stories and sing sad songs. So don’t be discouraged for fear of rejection.
The saying by Blaise Pascal ‘The heart itself has its own reason that reason itself cannot understand’ “suggests that human emotions and desires often operate independently of logical reasoning. It implies that feelings, intuitions, and passions can guide our decisions and beliefs in ways that may not always align with rational thought.”
Postscript: My re acquaintance with the Bee Gees few months after coming to the states was with the movie Saturday Night Fever. It was in 1980, three years after it was released. I went with a bunch of my dormitory friends to the student center where they were showing a rerun of the movie on a Saturday night. It was the last weekend before the classes were out before the semester finals. It was a dancing frenzy as my pals let go and had danced to the tune of “Staying Alive” – I just stood there watching everyone losing their minds. They yelled, “don’t just stand there watching us, follow us!’ The lead protagonists were played by John Travolta and Karen Lynn Gorney. The music in the movie was composed by Barry Gibb, Maurice Gibb, and Robin Gibb. I am still a die-hard fan of the Bee Gees.
Zeenat Khan writes from Maryland. USA
