Disengage With Dignity

I saw this picture on the WhatsApp profile of a good friend of mine and was immediately struck by its acute relevance. I found this image to be extremely meaningful and telling. The timing could not have been better. I was in a dilemma, struggling to decide; whether to engage in a discussion to make peace or to move away to save my own peace. This image simplified things for me. Sometimes, the best foot forward is a foot backwards, and that is exactly what I did. I felt an immediate sense of tranquil power. Once I made the decision to disengage and step away from a toxic situation, I felt productive, happier and above all peaceful. There is great wisdom in the “stepping away approach”, often the hardest but perhaps the best move is to remove ourselves from a toxic conversation, shield us from toxic people or walk away from a toxic environment. Interestingly, this approach is empowering and de-escalating at the same time. I called up my friend and thanked her for putting up this image on her profile and then decided to write about it.

Toxicity is real, prevalent in multiple contexts- professional settings, family relationships, and friendships. I can say this with almost full certainty that it has touched us all. It is believed that toxicity can be generational or normalized—especially in those with unresolved emotional issues. It often goes unconfrontedor unaddressedbecause people fear conflict, retaliation, or being seen as overly sensitive. Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known psychologist, writer and speaker has suggested that when people can’t sit with their own pain, they sometimes spread it to others. Other social scientists have suggested that toxic people act out of fear, insecurity, low self-worth, or a need for control. As a result, toxic people tend to make everything about themselves; whether it is anyone’s tragedy or happiness, struggles or successes, they must make it about themselves. They can twist the simplest of a situation into the most convoluted form causing an abrasive outcome.

Whatever the cause and the effect, the truth is- toxicity is emotionally and socially malignant. Psychologists have extensively studied the adverse impact on mental health stemming from toxic behaviors in personal, social and professional environments. Studies suggest that asignificant number of people encounter toxic behavior regularly, especially in workplaces and in friendships. It is reported that 1 in 5 employees in the US report experiencing toxic workplace dynamics including bullying, gaslighting, and passive aggression. Interestingly, according to a 2021 survey conducted by YouGov, an estimated 39% of adults had ended a friendship due to toxic behavior.

The question is how to deal with toxic people; they are in our families, at our workplace, among our friends, in our neighborhoods and on social media. Our opinions on how to tackle toxicity may differ. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a well-known clinical psychologist, media expert and author, emphasizes that confronting toxicity often doesn’t work—because toxic people usually deflect, fabricate or escalate. Instead, setting clear boundaries, detaching emotionally, and limiting contact are the healthiest responses. I agree with her approach but with a slightly stronger stroke. Instead of limiting contact, I suggest ceasing contact can lead to a better outcome.  In my opinion, the best way to address toxicity is to not address it at all. Over the years I have learned from experience (I have met my own share of toxic people!) that engaging with toxic behavior actually fuels it, our time and engagement gives it more attention, energy, or legitimacy than it deserves. The whole process is exhausting. I have wasted a lot of my time, emotions and energy in dealing with toxic people and I have never seen a long-term or long-lasting positive outcome. There is an old saying “Don’t feed the fire”. This is so true. Toxic individuals thrive on reaction. By not engaging with them, we deny them the satisfaction of a response.

Furthermore, the disengagement approach models a healthier way to exist, which can expose toxicity without uttering a single word. Sometimes, our absence rather than our presence carries more value whether it is a professional setting or a social context. Some argue that toxic people are best handled when confronted as a group. While this might seem reasonable but relying on confidants is not always feasible. Although people are generally nice and empathetic, but their empathy is often limited, as a result no one holds anyone accountable creating an almost a toy story scene- rosy streets, candy hills and honey springs. This provides a perfect ecosystem for toxic behavior to thrive. Unfortunately, for those at the receiving end of enduring toxic behaviors, this can feel isolating, even surreal, like you’re quietly carrying the weight of something everyone else is pretending isn’t there, although they know it is real, but they prefer to steer away from it. I am of the view, that while dealing with toxic people, one should focus on self-preservation and rely on the power of the “stepping away approach”. Engaging in toxic dynamics is not only mentally and physically draining but it is counterproductive and futile. Our silence should define our boundary.

Dr Samina Salim, Associate Professor Department of Pharmacological & Pharmaceutical Sciences, University of Houston