The violence of being Unseen

(A personal reflection on the quiet violence of caste-based exclusion in everyday, intimate spaces.)

It’s not like someone installed a software in me to feel excluded. It was the repeated actions that made me feel I was being kept out-unlike others.

Not all at once, but moment by moment.

First time – I thought, maybe it’s normal. That’s how they are.

Second time – maybe they had other engagements. Or maybe they just didn’t noticed me. 

Third time – is it just coincidence? They don’t even give me eye contacts. Strange. It’s like I’m non-existent although we share the same space.

Fourth – am I overthinking? But then others told me, “Your caste location doesn’t matter to them.” 

Fifth – I felt invisibilised again. Still gave the benefit of doubt. 

Sixth – without even being in the same space, they acknowledged everyone but me. So, they don’t need a physical space to invisibilise me. So, it isn’t the space, but it’s ME.

But what did I do for them to treat me like this? We have had no intimidating interactions before. Still, it feels like it’s ME. That’s when it stopped feeling accidental. I shouldn’t have blamed or ignored my gut feeling for all SIX times.

Seventh time – The same repetitive instances of invisibilising me. Now I knew I need to address this.  I shouldn’t have blamed myself. It was never coincidence. It was my presence – ‘I’ was the problem. My identity. My caste. That’s what unsettled them. Afterall this is not the first time, all that was different was it was a different person. Different people but wearing the same mask of discrimination.

And when I finally shared this, do you

 know what I was told? 

I was wrong in my observation. I was ‘overthinking’.

It was my ‘ego’ speaking.

I was making allegation with ‘no proof’.

Wrong all the six times? Really? At the very least, can’t you see this person was invisibilising me. Especially on the day they should have acknowledged me, and not you.

This is how spaces are taken away from people like me. Not in one blow, but through silences, glances, omissions – through invisibilising when one is physically present. Their actions said:  ‘You don’t matter ‘, ‘ You don’t exist ‘. Not all at once – but piece by piece, time by time and moment by moment.

Especially in intimate spaces, where caste is claimed to be “irrelevant,” but reveals itself who is welcomed, who is acknowledged, and who is left out. 

You know what?

Love might cross caste – to an extent.

But comfort zones don’t.

One keeps giving the benefit of doubt to these oppressors. Until one realises, it was never about coincidence. It was always about where I/we come from. What I/we carry with me – My/Our social location and identity.

I was violated not just once, but thrice. 

One – when I doubted myself and gave them a benefit of doubt. 

Two – when someone gaslighted me after I shared how I feel. 

Three – when I was socially excluded, not just in public, but in the so called ‘intimate spaces ‘ of our own homes.

Shruthy Harilal is a research scholar at IIIT Delhi, specializing in caste, gender, rituals, and the intersection of gender and movies. She is currently pursuing a PhD in Sociology, with a focus on the Theyyam ritual of North Kerala.