Bursting firecrackers: A nation-building exercise to defeat the forces of evil

Air pollution can have huge negative effects on cognitive intelligence and thus positive effects on national commitment.

Fire Crackers Pollution

There is a place where people are not good. They protest, they raise a ruckus, many of them even throw stones at their own protectors.

Part of this has to do with their culture, it does not teach them good values.

Kashmiris like to think, to find out about their socio-political conditions and struggle to change them. They engage in evil, anti-national behaviour such as protesting injustice and demanding freedom.

Thankfully, Bharatiya culture is more advanced and has devised many ingenious schemes to protect Bharatiya citizens from the evils of clear thinking.

Dr B.R. Ambedkar said the soil of India is undemocratic; one of the latest ways of keeping it that way is through air pollution.

What the practitioners of Ayurveda always knew, Western science is discovering only now. Air pollution can have “huge” negative effects on cognitive intelligence (here, here, here, here, etc.) and thus positive effects on national commitment.

This is why our cities have some of the worst AQI rankings in the world. It is not a mistake. Air pollution is a civilisational gift that strengthens our nation by stultifying our brains.

No thought, no protest, no democracy, just full, hazy nationalism.

It is no coincidence that Diwali, a festival which celebrates the victory of good over evil, has become the site for the latest fight between anti-national and national forces.

Last year, the national secretary of Bharatiya Janata Yuva Morcha, youth wing of the Bharatiya Janata Party, Tajinder Pal Singh Bagga— responsible for instilling the paramparik virtue of stupidity in the youth— called the Aam Aadmi Party (AAP) government in Delhi anti-Hindu for banning crackers.

He was completely right, of course. Air pollution is an integral part of our Indic dharma and it is anti-national to hinder it in any way.

This year, the ban on firecrackers was first announced by Delhi’s environment minister Gopal Rai on September 11. Who can miss the significance of choosing that particular date to attack the nation?

Half the ministers of the AAP government are already in jail; in my opinion it is time to finish the job and imprison the rest as well for their terrorist attack against air pollution.

Quite rightly, the Bharatiya Janata Party slammed the Delhi government’s decision for impeding nation-building activities such as polluting the air and demanded that people be allowed to use traditional grandmother-approved remedies like bursting firecrackers on Diwali to make their children stupid enough to accept their family values.

Bharatiya leader, air pollution enthusiast and a fervent votary of throwing sutli bombs (or was it goli) at anti-nationals, Kapil Mishra, took nationalism into his own hands yet again and wrote on X, “Will not follow the ban on Diwali firecrackers.”

While the nationalists of Delhi have been left on their own, without any formal State support, to fight the forces of evil using only their karmic tools, the Supreme Court has come to the rescue of the forces of good in the rest of the country with the most cunning tactic.

Just like Lord Krishna, who pretended to be objective while always siding with the Pandavas, the Supreme Court has taken a balanced approach in today’s dharmayuddha between good and evil.

The Supreme Court knows that like the Union Jal Shakti Minister Gajendra Singh Shekhawat who said that the evil era in the state of Rajasthan will end with the bursting of firecrackers, that bursting firecrackers is necessary for the nation.

So, instead of banning crackers altogether— which is what they would have had to do to satisfy the global forces of evil who are oppressing Bharat into make commitments to reduce air pollution— they utilised their ancestor Tenali Rama’s deviousness to allow only ‘green’ firecrackers to be sold.

They knew all along that a) nobody knows what green firecrackers are; b) it is impossible to enforce the production and use of only green crackers; and c) green firecrackers reduce emissions of nitrogen dioxide, PM2.5, black carbon and so on— all those good things that cause cognitive impairment and make us nationalists—by only 30–35 percent (here, here, here, here, etc.).

The all-seeing Supreme Court understood that 100 percent firepower was not needed to make people requisitely docile, 65–70 percent would do. After all, there are many things apart from air pollution in our ancient culture that make us stupid enough to accept and love the nation however it is.

Plus, in the bargain, the Supreme Court did not only greenwash the firecrackers but also blackwashed democracy by acting like the forces of evil were also being listened to. Like Lord Krishna acted that he was listening to Duryodhana’s side of the story.

Moral of the story: Join the forces of good and go burst as many firecrackers as you can find so you can stop people from becoming anti-nationals and protesting. Go to Kashmir and burst crackers so they can finally become stupid enough to accept India.

Akshat Jain is a writer currently residing in India. He uses the debate methodology of Syādvāda to piss people off. Like a good Syādvādist, he claims that all his claims fall within the ambit of falsifiability. 

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